All I've Ever Known
by strange.ink91
Summary: Rayna revisits the first moments of her and Deacon as she waits for news of his transplant. The moments that she treasures closest to her heart, for they started the rollercoaster ride that has led to today.


I feel so bad about this - apparently my flashbacks are similar to someone elses, so I've re-written and re-posted. Purely coincidental, and I feel so bad! The original is still posted over on my blog - link in my profile. Sorry again to the person who PM'd me their concerns!

* * *

" _It's Time" A nurse stood in the door in her scrubs, and another was behind her. They were here to take him to surgery, and as she gave him a quick kiss – hopefully not the last, she thought – he grabbed both hers and Maddie's hands and squeezed as they wheeled him out the door. He smiled over at Daphne and Scarlett, and tried not to think about what was about to happen. What he'd dreamed was going to happen on that operating table._

 _She hugged Maddie tight for a brief second, before Daphne joined the hug, then Scarlett, the four of them crying together, hoping for the best possible outcome – survival._

* * *

Rayna hated this waiting room. A private, secluded lounge for just the four of them. A couch, a TV and a little table. As if she wanted to watch television right now. She couldn't even concerntrate on the game of cards Daphne had suggested they play. So she sat on the couch, and stared at the wall next to the TV.

The possibility of that being her last kiss with Deacon scared the hell out of her. It shook her to the core. She'd never really lived without him, he'd always been a phone call away when she needed him. And she had always needed him, even if she'd lied to herself and said she didn't. Even when she'd been married, he'd always been there to talk to, to make music with, to lean on when things got hard.

Memories flashed in her mind, from the last over twenty years they'd known eachother. The twenty years they'd loved each other. The years it had been the two of them against the world, the years she supressed her feelings while married to another man, the last few years where they'd done this awkward dance around each other, her too afraid to give in to him after the accident, fearing what could happen next. And then to the last few months, the happy, happy moments where the four of them had finally been a real family.

* * *

 _Rayna entered the Bluebird Cafe, smiling and waving at the few people who recognised her, or knew her. It wasn't often she came here when she wasn't singing, her Father was a control freak for lack of better words, and she often had to make excuses about her whereabouts - ice cream dates, bowling, drive in movies with girlfriends from school, or boys from families she knew her Daddy approved of. Tonight however, he was down in Knoxville for some important business meetings, so she was free to come and go as she pleased._

 _Watty waved her over from the bar, he was drinking whisky on the rocks and she ordered her usual coca cola. She felt so embarassed every time someone offered to buy her a drink – she'd only ever had small glasses of wine with dinner on special occasions, and she was still so far from being old enough to drink in a bar._

" _Evening, Rayna."_

" _Hey Watty, always good to see you" She said casually, sitting down at the bar and taking the drink he offered her._

 _"Interesting line-up tonight, I think you'll be glad you came. One particular kid, performs in a duo most of the time - one of the best songwriters I've seen in here in a long time" Watty replied, nodding towards a couple sitting at a table. She could only see the backs of their heads from here. She guessed boyfriend and girlfriend, like most of the other duos she'd seen in here._

" _What's wrong with my writing?" Rayna knew what was wrong with her writing. She was 16, she didn't know enough, hadn't experienced enough, to write good songs. All she knew about life was what her Daddy had done, her Mama had died, and she lived in a small palace in Belle Meade. Not very good song material, apart from her mother's death, which the songs she'd written about that she didn't want to share._

" _There's potential. This man is a genius with writing, you might have to see if you can learn a thing or two." Watty said, with a confidence that made her optimistic. But then she thought about a man. A genius songwriter man. Did she want to share her songs privately with a man she didn't know?_

" _Right, well I think I'll make my own judgement first." Rayna said stubbornly, walking away from Watty and the bar to take a seat at a table at the back of the room. The first couple of singers were good - although one sung cover songs and one reminded her of herself, struggling to play guitar, until this duo Watty had pointed out took the stage, introduced as Beverly and Deacon Claybourne - obviously married, Rayna thought to herself, and expected a love song. But instead, a song of anguish, angst and sadness that nearly made her cry was sung by the two of them, and she joined the rest of the crowd in a standing ovation when they finished. Wow. Absolutely amazing. Watty had been right, this Deacon guy was a lyrical genius. She wound her way through the crowds, back to the bar, where he was ordering a beer. she sat on the stool next to him, trying not to look like she'd done it on purpose._

" _Drink for the lady?" He asked, and she raised her coke and shook her head._

" _Thanks though. I'm Rayna, by the way" she stuck out her hand, which he shook._

 _"Nice to meet you Miss Rayna. Deacon, Deacon Claybourne" he took a seat next to her, giving her a quick top to toe look. "You sing?"_

" _Sure do. Singing around town, hoping for that break, just like everyone else" She laughed. She was a bit different to everyone else though._

" _You don't look like you're slumming it like most of us though, those boots look like they'd pay my rent for half a year." He smirked. He wasn't the first she'd encountered that had thought her to be a little rich girl chasing a silly dream to spite her father, who definitely didn't approve of the music business._

 _"Yeah, well, tell me that again in ten years when I've got an album sitting at the top of the charts. I'm trying to earn my way into a record deal like everyone else, and the last thing I expect is my father's money to buy my way in. Thanks for the chat" She stood and left the Bluebird, angry. Although she wasn't quite sure why his judgment irritated her more than anyone else's. She went to her car, slammed the door angrily, and turned the key. Nothing happened. She tried again. Nothing happened. She cursed. If she rung AAA her father would see on his next charge statement that she'd been assisted in the Bluebird parking lot. And he'd know exactly what she'd been doing there. She got back out, and sat on the bonnet of her car, trying to think of what to do, ring Tandy? Ring AAA and hope her Daddy didn't explode with anger?_

" _What are you doing?" a voice asked, and she turned to see Deacon. She found it funny that even though he was barely visible, she knew it was him._

" _Car won't start. Trying to decide whether it's worth ringing AAA or not. My father will be infuriated when he finds out." She said, and he walked closer._

 _"What's it doing?"_

 _"Nothing. That's the point." She said bluntly and he laughed._

 _"Right. Well hop off, I'll pop the bonnet and have a look" He offered. She thanked him and watched from afar. "Sorry about what I said inside." he added._

 _"Don't worry about it. You're not the first to think that, and you're not the last." Rayna was still slightly annoyed by it._

 _"Bet you prove them all wrong though, as soon as you step on the stage. Watty told me after you left that you've got the best voice he's heard in years. And that, coming from him, is a big deal" Deacon replied, and she nodded when he looked at her._

 _"I am a rich girl, yes, but there's a lot more to me than that. I'm not here to be rebellious because my father doesn't approve. I'm here because this is what I told my mother I wanted to do with my life. And I promised her I'd take the opportunities she missed out on."_

 _"missed out on?" Deacon stood up from looking at the engine. "It's never too late, plenty of older woman still manage to get deals in this town."_

 _"She died. Four years ago. I was twelve. Her parents made her marry my Daddy, careers in anything aren't ladylike." She rolled her eyes._

 _"I'm sorry. Must've been hard." he said softly and she smiled._

 _"It was for awhile, but I have an amazing older sister. It only gave me determination to pursue music" Deacon looked back under the hood._

 _"Battery is flat. I'll go grab my truck, got some jumper cables in the back." He walked off without waiting for her reply, returning in less than a minute with a beat up pick up truck. Within another minute, he had her car running like a pro._

 _"Thank you so much, Deacon. I owe you one." She said softly and he unhooked the cords and threw them on the back of his truck._

" _A date? Dinner, a movie, maybe?" Deacon suggested, and Rayna couldn't help but smile._

" _That's it?" Rayna said, and he shrugged._

" _Yeah."_

" _Okay, uh, sure" She said nervously. She hadn't been out on a date with someone she wanted to date, ever. They'd always been stuffy dinners at the country club with boys that her father approved of._ _. He pulled out his wallet and gave her a piece of paper._

" _Here's my number, gimme a ring sometime. A date. And maybe you'll give me a heads up on where you're singing - I want to hear this amazing voice of yours" He said softly, stepping closer to hand her the paper, and then he tucked a rogue curl of hair behind her ear soflty. "Goodnight, Ray, it was a pleasure to meet you" She mumbled a goodnight in return, her confidence completely thrown away when he was standing so close to her. She sat in her car for at least ten minutes before she headed home, waiting for her heartbeat to slow. There was something, something about Deacon Claybourne, that made her want to ring him as soon as possible and arrange that guitar lesson._

* * *

Rayna was jerked awake. She didn't even realize she'd fallen asleep. The door had opened, and she swung her head around, disappointed to see that it was just a nurse wanting to see if she could help with anything. Rayna shook her head and smiled, the same as the girls. The girls were still playing cards, so she can't have been asleep that long, but long enough to have a sore neck. She readjusted herself, lying down with her feet and head propped up on opposite ends of the couch. She stared at the ceiling, thinking of her dream. If you'd asked her then, what she'd imagined in her future, she never would have thought this.

Maybe she would have wistfully said that she would have been married to Deacon Claybourne. A country music superstar. A mother of beautiful children. But she never would have been able to predict the tumultuous relationship her and Deacon had experienced to get to this point. May 2015. 27 years afther they'd met. What a rollercoaster. She shut her eyes again, willing herself to experience another happy memory, rather than thinking what could have been, what should have been.

* * *

 _She'd rung him a few days later, to tell him she'd be doing a small set at the Bluebird that Friday. He'd seemed happy to hear from her, and promised he'd be there. She hadn't expected him to be so enthusiastic about hearing her sing. It made her heart race, thinking that maybe he really was interested in her._

 _Rayna entered the Bluebird, glad that she'd performed here enough that the small band knew most of her songs, so that she didn't have to bring her guitar unless she was playing something new. She really was useless at guitar, no matter how many hours she spent practicing at home, reading those stupid teach yourself guitar books she'd bought._

 _She didn't see Deacon, and that disappointed her a little. Maybe he wasn't going to show up. She looked over the crowd again and still couldn't spot him, but she carried on anyway - that was what a professional would do, shake off the disappointment and rock the show regardless. He appeared half way through the first song, taking a seat at the back and staring at her, a small smile of approval on his face, before he took out a pen and started scribbling on a napkin, occasionally out of the corner of her eye, she'd spot him staring at her, before he went back to the napkin, or to the beer that had been placed on his table before she started her final song. When she stepped off the stage, she headed straight for him._

" _I'm glad you came" she said softly, sitting down next to him as he wrote._

" _You've got a voice. Watty was right. Can't compare to anyone else here. And you're stage presence, you're going to be a platinum artist one day Ray" he said, putting his pen back in his pocket and looking at her._

 _"Thanks. I guess my determination to get a deal kinda works its way out of me on stage." She shrugged.  
_

 _"You make it sound so easy. I've never really been a performer. More just a quiet artist, let the words speak for themselves. But that doesn't sell out arenas."_

 _"What were you writing?" Rayna changed the subject, looking at the napkin he'd folded so she couldn't read._

 _"You inspired me. Just watching you inspired me. Read it, I'm going to grab another beer, want one?" He said, and she told him to just grab her a coke as she unfolded the napkin and read the beautiful song he'd scribbled onto that bluebird napkin. It was incredible. She could spend hours on a single song and they'd never sound as good, as flawless, as the one he'd written in a few minutes._

 _"This is incredible. You must be some kind of lyrical genius, to write it this fast." She said honestly when he sat back down, putting a coke in front of her._

 _"That's what happens when I get inspired. Especially by the most beautiful woman I've ever seen" Deacon said intently, staring into her eyes. She blushed._

 _"No ones ever written a song for me before" she said softly, feeling like the man in front of her could just be the man of her dreams. Maybe this song was right, together they could have a life that's good - they could achieve their dreams together._

* * *

"We ordered some Chinese. It's dinner time. Can we have some money to go and pay for it?" Daphne asked, and Rayna sat up slowly.

"Sure. You know where my purse is." She replied. "While you're doing that, I might go to the cafeteria and get a half decent coffee, that machine stuff tastes like hot dirt. Do you girls want any drinks?" Of course, they wanted sodas. Scarlett was happy with water. The three of them headed down to the lobby, leaving Rayna to check her hair and face before she left, just in case. She never knew when someone would take an unflattering photo and post it online. She was glad all of them had managed to get a break from that room though. Even though she'd slept a lot of the time, as the time wore on, it felt like that waiting room was getting smaller and smaller.

She smiled as she took the elevator to the floor with the cafeteria, thinking of her last dream. Right from those early days Deacon had made her so happy. Escatically happy, so much so that'd she'd practically floated through the house, even when her father was on her back about school grades and interrogating her about her after school plans. She'd remembered their first date vividly.

* * *

 _She pulled into the car lot, five minutes early. She actually wondered if he was going to turn up, she hadn't really given him a chance to say whether it was a good time or not for him, but sure enough, he was leaning against his truck in the warm spring air. She stared a little before she got out of her car, he was wearing slightly fitted denim jeans, a black short sleeved tee and his boots._

" _Hi" she said as she approached him. He nodded his head._

" _Mornin' Ray." Deacon replied, opening the passengers door of his truck for her "You may have chosen the time and place, but the rest is a surprise. Get in" He shut her door for her, and walked around to the drivers side. She was a little excited, a little scared, and extremely nervous. She'd been on dates, little country club dinners with boys her father had liked, but she'd never really been interested in dating. Until now. Not to mention that she hated surprises. The last time she'd been surprised, was 8th grade when some girls had wanted her to hang with them, then they had locked her in the janitors closet, calling her a freak. Surprises definitely weren't her thing, and she told Deacon so, and why._

" _I'm not going to abandon you somewhere, don't worry. It's a nice surprise, trust me" Deacon said with a laugh._

" _I trust you" she said softly, smiling over at him nervously. They drove about twenty minutes outside the Nashville city limits, coming to a stop at some forest park. He helped her out, grabbed his guitar and passed her a picnic basket, and grabbed her hand. They walked along a path between the trees for about ten minutes, before they arrived at a clearing. Rayna gasped. There was a small grassy area, the bank of a small creek with noisy rapids. The best part though, is that they'd recently logged the other side of the creek and replanted small pine trees – and over the top of them, was an amazing veiw of Nashville._

" _Wow, Deacon! How'd you find this place?" Rayna said as they stopped, and Deacon took the basket from her, and they sat down on the grass._

" _I used to come up to this forest park when I wanted to write in peace. I like writing in nature. Found this about a month ago. Forgot about it until the other day when you pushed this date on me" He winked at her, and placed the basket between them. They sat there for hours, their backs against eachother, chatting and snacking on the food in the basket. Rayna couldn't believe that someone like Deacon was really here with her – he was sweet and sensitive, funny and charming, and he knew the exact right moments to tease her. And he was so easy to talk to. She'd never ever had this much to talk about with a boy before, it had always been so formal, almost rehearsed. She found herself telling Deacon more about her home life, how she'd felt so lost since her Mama had died and how her father had forbidden her from trying to make herself a music career._

" _Why don't you write a song about it?" He asked, and she shrugged._

" _I have. They just seem so personal, you know? Like I'd be standing on a stage reading my diary to everyone" Rayna said softly._

" _That's what it's supposed to feel like. Like you know exactly what you are singing about, like you've been there before."_

" _So I shouldn't sing love songs?"_

" _Not if you haven't been in love. Unless you're a real good actor"_

" _I guess. But I don't want to write about a silly crush or teenage stuff. I want to be taken seriously."_

" _You will be Ray. You've got a killer voice. You've just gotta find an angle that suits you."_

" _Will you help me, with my songs?" Rayna asked. She'd never asked anyone for help with writing before. He moved, and they turned to face each other._

" _If you want." He said, and watched her as she opened her purse and pulled out a small leatherbound journal and gave it to him. Deacon opened it, and read a few pages._

" _There's plenty of potential here. Some of these could be amazing with a little work"_

" _Could you work on them with me some time?"_

" _Sure. But not now. This is a date, not work." Deacon handed back her book and lay down on the grass, pulling her next to him, his arm as her pillow, so they could look at the sky as they talked. It was nearly 8 by the time they pulled back into the now full Bluebird car lot. Neither of them had known how the time had gotten away on them so easy. Rayna had been nervous the whole drive back, wondering what was going to happen when they parted ways. Was he going to kiss her? Did she want him to? He walked her to her car._

" _Thanks for coming. I had a really great time with you" He said, and she blushed._

" _Your welcome. Thanks for whisking me away for the day, it was just what I needed" They smiled at each other._

" _You're probably going to laugh at this, really. May I kiss you?" He looked at his feet, and suddenly, she realised that he had been just as nervous about this moment as she was._

" _Please do" Rayna whispered, stepping closer and grabbing his hand softly. He grinned, inching closer to gently place his lips against hers. When he pulled away slightly, she opened her eyes to see him smiling, and she couldn't help but smile back. She closed the gap, kissing him this time, and his hands came up to softly caress her face, his tongue separating her lips, and she gasped as an electric shock of sorts ran through her as the kiss became more intimate, her arms around his neck, her hands playing with the hair at the base of his neck._

" _Good night Ray" Deacon whispered when he pulled back, running his fingers down the side of her face, staring at her as if he was memorising every detail. Maybe he was._

" _Good night Deacon"_

* * *

Rayna pushed the door to the waiting room open with her foot. Scarlett, Maddie and Daphne weren't back yet, so after placing the drinks on the table she took a moment to collect her thoughts.

Things had seemed so easy back then. They'd gone on dates, they continued guitar lessons and writing together. She went to school, and afterwards she'd either rush off to see Deacon, or go home and day dream about him instead of doing her homework. It wasn't until the end of May, after her finals, when her results were mailed to her father that there was trouble. Daddy hadn't even known she was seeing a boy, but shit certainly hit the fan when he discovered she'd failed nearly all of her exams. They'd yelled, and screamed, and argued for hours about it, she refused to explain why she'd not been studying. He assumed music, and he was partly right. And then he told her that it was music or the family. And she'd packed her bags into her car, gathered together all of her money, and left. She'd stayed at Tandy's condo downtown until her Daddy found out and threatened to stop paying Tandy's rent if Rayna stayed. She ended up finding Deacon at the Bluebird and he offered her his spare room. It wasn't big, it wasn't pretty, but it was better than the back seat of her car.

They'd stayed in seperate rooms for nearly six months before she'd given in to him and they started sleeping together. Losing her virginity to the love of her life had been one of the most magical moments of her life. At seventeen and a few months old, she'd known that he was _the one_. He still was the one. Her soul mate, her everything. He never used to drink often back then. The occasional beer, maybe two. He'd told Rayna that he didn't want to end up a drunk like his father. He was so determined. It wasn't until they started touring properly, when his mate Vince moved up from Mississippi and Deacon had convinced her that Vince was the perfect drummer for her. They partied hard. She hated thinking of the years between 1992 and 2014. The years they'd lost sight of one another, of their love, time and time again.

"Hey Mom!" Daphne called out, as the girls returned with bags of take-out boxes.

"Any news?" Scarlett asked softly, and Rayna shook her head softly. They sat down to eat, and Rayna managed to pull herself from her thoughts long enough to enjoy a conversation with her two daughters about school, about summer plans, and with Scarlett about touring and recording. It was almost like Gunnar's ears had been burning when they were talking about him, because the take out hadn't long been thrown in the trash that he turned up, wanting to show Scarlett a song before he headed to Texas. Maddie, Daphne and Rayna sat in front of the TV, although none of them were really concerntrating on it.

"How much longer?" Daphne asked, Rayna could tell that her youngest daughter was getting tired.

"I don't know, baby. Cuddle up and go to sleep if you want" Rayna said softly, pulling both girls under her arms. And the three of them, slowly seem to drift off.

 _Rayna sat down at her dressing table, looking at her reflection. Her face was made up to perfection, her hair had not a curl out of place, and her dress was the perfect dress for the occasion._

" _You ready for this?" Tandy asked, appearing at the door. She nodded, and stood up._

" _I've been ready for this for nearly twenty years" Rayna said, and she hugged her sister. Twenty years she'd dreamed of this moment, the day she would marry her soul mate. They headed down the stairs together, to the lounge where Maddie and Daphne were waiting._

" _You look so beautiful Mom, Dad's been waiting eagerly outside for ages." Maddie said, beaming bright. Rayna knew her daughter had been waiting for this moment for awhile now. Dreamed of her parents being happy together. The music started, and Daphne and Maddie led their mother and their aunt out into the back yard, which had been transformed for their closest friends to see Deacon and Rayna finally be joined in marriage. Deacon looked like he might cry as he watched Rayna walk towards him._

 _The service was a blur to her, as she stared into the eyes of the man she loved with all of her heart, until Deacon was told to say his vows._

" _I can't believe this is really happening Ray. I thought, time and time again that this moment would never happen, that I'd lose you and never win you back. I'm forever in debt to you for waiting until I could be the man you needed me to be. It makes me so happy that I finally am that man and that I'm finally making you Mrs. Claybourne. I promise, with every fibre of my being, that I will always be that man, one you and the girls can count on, one you and the girls can love, and one that you and our daughters will never be disappointed in. I love you, I love our family and I love that this is how it's going to be for the rest of our lives" They both had tears on their cheeks._

" _All I've ever known is that I love you, that we complete each other, and while we lost our way together, fate brought us back together. We are meant to be right here, right now, together. You, me, Maddie and Daphne against the world, babe. It's how it should have always been, but in a way, we wouldn't be the people we are today without the past. You wouldn't be the incredible man you are today, and I wouldn't be who I am today without all the incidents that tore us apart and brought us back to one another. We wouldn't have survived all of that if we weren't meant to be together. I can't wait to be yours, for now and for forever, completely. I love you so much Deacon, and I always will."_

 _They said their I do's softly, both eagerly waiting for the moment they would be prounounced husband and wife. When the moment came, they kissed like they were the only two there, and their family, their friends that they considered family, clapped and cheered. So many of them had witnessed their love survive all the dificulties of the past, and they had all hoped that eventually, they'd get to this moment._

* * *

The door opened again, and the three of them were startled awake. Dr Rand was standing at the door, and looking at him, Rayna couldn't tell whether he had good or bad news.

"Can I talk to you, privately?" He said softly, and Rayna nodded, standing up and walking to the door. Maddie and Daphne watching from the couch.

"What's going on?" Rayna asked, concerned.

"Well, I've got some bad news" Caleb sighed, and tears came to Rayna's eyes. Was Deacon really dead like he'd been dreaming? Was she never going to get to marry the man of her dreams? "We've got the liver in, but he's already rejecting it. We've got him sedated, and on antibiotics, to try and convince his body to accept it, but we don't know if it's going to work or not. He's in ICU if you'd like to see him, but only for a few minutes." Rayna let out a sigh of relief. He'd survived, for now. One hurdle overcome, plenty more to go.

"C'mon, girls. Let's go see Deacon for a few minutes" She said to her daughters, who eagerly ran to their mother and hugged her, before they followed her to the ICU. Deacon was pale and lifeless on that bed, cords and machines every where tracking and monitoring his progress. The girls stayed for few minutes, talked softly, held his hands and kissed his cheeks before they left to wait in the hallway and give their mother a moment.

"Hey babe" she said, taking his hand and kissing it. "You can do this. I know you can. The girls know you can. We've got a wedding to plan, some daughters to raise, and a life to live. I need you. I can't do this without you, I don't know how to do this without you. Please Deacon, don't leave me" she sobbed. She hadn't cried the whole time she'd been waiting, hopelessly optimistic, ignoring the little voice that said that something could go wrong. And now that voice was overwhelming her.

"All I've ever known is that you and I are one in the same Deacon. I don't know how to live without you."


End file.
